My insides cry out in a silent scream,

Except its not so silent, is it, for me.

The screaming echoes and bellows and fills me with dread,

Dread that makes me feel sick and sometimes wish I were dead.

But really I wish the adhesions would die, 

And not my fresh organs that are being attacked from inside. 

I can not see the pain, and nor can anyone else, 

But it shows itself through bloat and lose clothes with no belt,

Curled up in a ball with lots of medication, 

Fetal position, before and after the operations, 

The gaviscon has been swallowed and doesn’t seem to work,

The painkillers have been popped yet I still seem to hurt.

Why am I crying, crying out in pain, 

To be met with silence, and medical gaslighting again.

My suffering and agony doesn’t seem to matter,

Every appointment and phone call I mentally shatter,

Shattered to pieces because I’m simply met with no care, 

No care for my body or the torment I endure. 

I just want some help and support to get better,

Or is this now my life, being tortured forever? 

I wish to go back to a time with no strain, 

But sadly, it's too long ago, an unfamiliar plane. 

I wish to remember what it’s like to feel well, 

But I do a good job of hiding the ache, would you even tell?

I mask, and pretend to feel healthy and okay, 

But really I’m not, I just don’t know how to say. 

Life carries on whether you are chronically ill or not, 

If you stop for your health you might be forgot. 

Forgot by the hustle and bustle of life, 

And the business of people living outside,

Everyone has got their own shit to deal with, 

But what if one day I can’t have my own kids?

A uterus so damaged and riddled with hate, 

Hate from the agony of endo so great. 

I want to be loved, to have life and to lead, 

But I’m sick of being ill. Please I just want to be freed.

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-20th May 2022.